Why even bother

I want to experience a feeling so rare to me, it is scary. Drawing the line in the sand, stand with me or you are forever against me. This is no time to make small friends. Its do or die. How can I carrying on when I know you are waiting to watch me fall? When can I get to him? That man I love? Why can't just one male, one, love me? Have I done something wrong? No I dserve my life. I want a marriage with pride, predjuice, and may poles. I want to the honey moon where I am treated like a goddess. I want th ehouse filled with kids made with only us. that moment when you come home from a long journey and you pick me up and swing me around. I believe in love and I would always believe in you and me. Fuck this shit

Falling in reverse

So many mistakes I make in one hours time. Screaming stop inside, dies my logical mind. pour me a glass of my own insanity to fuel the buzz God gave me. Too fast, too furious are the chemicals I run on. Make Vin Dessil cough on my dust. I once was a logical thing. Respected and like, full of knowledge and rules. Where am I now? On the old skid marks of a sheen machine? Rehab Queen or fashion scene? Am in a club full of fast beats and flashing lights or is my mind on a tab dancing in the middle of a class? Blood rushes to slow, my brain has already past out in the gutter. Filthy little whore I am. Lying to my friends scream at the parents. I'm a bitch and I am falling. Falling in reverse into a pile of cocaine. I don't mind if those lines are so close I cut my self on the razor. But the sick thing is I'm not on these drugs. I bare no Lohan excuses or rehab pass. I was born on drugs and only more drugs can help. I was born this cigar skin filled veins carrying vodka to my heart made of acid and abrain that can only be describe by LSD. But I have never taken these drugs, not once in my life. Yet every month or so I make the once around me accountable for this high. I want to be so high during these times I fall in reverse of a building. Why am I a burden? Why is this part of me?

Alas my love

Alone I wait in darkness and hate.
My eyes are red with tears and my heart is pumping for all it can take.
Alone I lay here and silently I wait.
I do not know why I wait when I know there is no one to come.
Alas, my world is a lonely one.
I have no one cool my hate
Nor no one to sit by and warm me whilst I wait.
The thoughts of loneliness bid me to lose control,
And a waterfall of tears stink my face,
Hot with passion hot with hate.
Knock, knock!
Alas what strangers come to me at such hour?
Knock, knock!
Who bother me in my remorseful slumber?
Knock, knock!
What specter hath called for me so earnestly?
Raising up from my bed,
Feeling the cool spring air against the fine silk of my bed clothes,
Seeing the large moon through my open window,
Fearing what feign hath called for me tonight.
Opening the door so that not more than a church mouse might enter,
I look out upon the pale complexion of a face long lost.
With gasp of breath and swift movement
I did take up into my arms that
Which I had missed.
For it was a feign that tapped my door!
Such delicate hands made not for work
But for music did rap upon the oak of my door.
My Lady what bringest thou to me after all this time?
What darkness did you ride with?
I bid thee come, tell me, and warm thy self in my chambers.
This tall Lady’s figure moved swiftly in my arms to a chair beside my window.
Her figure, that much smaller than before,
Was hid beneath the heavy velvet of a cloak.
“I have come to you, for want of a friend.”
Her voice was that of an angel
And her word were those that,
Mine own thoughts could echo.
I have but wanted thy friendship again for some time…
I allowed my mind to think back to last word of this Lady.
With all the problems of the world,
Such fair Lady hath been victim to far too many.
When those who could help refused her
The mortality of her was questioned.
I was but too far off to help and knew not how to find her.
I fill my dreams with horrors of what might have become of this angel
And filled my mind with hate when I was but too weak to find her.
Back to the room I was sent as the Lady doth blessed me with sight of her face.
The strong features that one could never forget
Were tired and sick in this moonlight.
Her eyes but seems still hidden in shadows for lack of sleep.
Blast thee Moon for giving way to such falseness!
For neither Death’s cold touch
Nor Moon’s earthy glow
Could obscure such God given beauty.
But, alas, there be no lies here.
My Lady what horrors have you known?
Her newly small frame but was consumed
For the vastness of the chair.
“Only those of the forgotten nature.
I am but left for lunatic.
I have run away from those who would me.
For no Asylum shall ever encapture mine own thoughts
Or feelings…
Yet it does seem I am without kind word
Nor kind shoulder to save me”
She with all her strength did stand before the open air
Long locks of Auburn did blow like silk in the breeze.
Her laces where all but to tight for my eyes to bare,
Yet no bother did she feel for it was yet comfortably fitting.
“I hath heard you dwell upon this hill alone.
Why?”
I dwell amongst all this alone to hide from word
Of your downfall…
I did purchase this manor so that the owners of the lunatics would not.
Such ancient beauty shall not make home
For the misfortunes of those who cannot,
Or have been made to not,
Care for their own decisions.
I will care for the kind and the needy
Yet, as you see, I am but still alone.
I could almost feel my want to yell at her.
Not of angry but of want and longing.
I had but missed how close we were.
“Is there no need or kindness in the world?
I have but been long away and I am out of touch”
Where have you been? Why won’t you share the deepness,
And darkness that lies down for rest in your heart?
The ones that are needy are taken in by those
Who appear kind.
But it is too factories and Asylums with them all.
And those who are still kind
Are meek and mild
And will not save those who have been
Wrongly judged.
I could see the Lady bring fear to her own mind.
For I but saw the same as she.
My lady among the lunatics.
Not given but rights to her own name,
But punished for that what she hath never done.
“I must run from this place.
For there is nowhere for me to keep safety.
I do not know whether I hath the will to even try anymore…”
I ran forth to her
Grabbing her up in my arms.
My lady! My love, why do you hurt me like this?
Hath I not a heart?
Hath I not the heart to break under thy words?
Is mine heart not worth to love you as I once did?
Have I not the kindness
The want
To keep you here
With me
Alive?
I sit atop this hill for fear of news of you.
Of thou’s death!
Have I not filled my heart with hate,
Hate of mine self for not saving you?
I have spent but years wishing for you to come
Back to me…
Regaining composure
I did flee to the empty fire place.
What hath I done?
I have made myself so naked with my feelings.
I cry like I cry every night.
Except, tonight
A small hand comes around to cradle mine cheek.
Turning my so slow
And hugging me so tight.
I felt
Not alone.
“Why would though not tell me this sooner?
Have I distance myself so much I have hurt you so?
Have I made myself that what you must hide from?
If so I am sorry.
I want nothing more than to speak with you and
Wipe thy tears.”
With silent motion
A cold hand comes forth to my face and calmly wipes to wipe
The crystal tears from my cheek.
You have become like a ghost to me.
A specter that hunts my dreams and tears my heart
For I know you are not there.
Will you stay with me?
She nodded and a chain of hate broke from my heart.
Come, remind me of who you are.
Tell me of your travels.
I have saved your side of the bed.
Will you sing to me again?
With all her nods I was once again loved
And loving one.
And softly we did fall in to a million nights of slumber.
Jolted awake by a force unknown.
I find myself again in the dark.
I felt around in the moonless night
To find I was indeed alone.
Hath the thing that kept me company instead given me insanity.
With instant tears and screams.
I want no more dreams
No more breath.
I felt for my knife
To protect me
Would be what ends me.
Raise the steal and force forward—
“No will thy leave me a Juliet?!”
With sudden gasp
I felt my heart jump.
Dear god I thought it was a dream.
You were too long a specter.
Do not leave me!
“I will not, My Love.”

This is why i should make a book of my FaceBook statuses

Mr.Sherlock Holmes was an eccentric, much like myself. He had come to me one night after an eventful display of my talents with my dear crumpeted friends. Though even my sing and dancing can not be to blame for our sexual encounter. I suppose it can be all credited to my Powers of Seduction....i mean Deduction ;)

Lady Gaga was Born this Day

So, today is March 28th 2011 and it is the one and only Lady Gaga's birthday. The Queen of Pop turns 25 today. I unfortunately did not get to submit a video to the birthday project, so I have decided instead to write this blog for her. She will probably never see this blog or at least she will not see it until we met someday and thus I am going to be as open as I want because I am not afraid to express what I feel here. So lets begin.....

I am glad Lady Gaga was born because if she was not here I would be a very shattered person. Lady Gaga is someone who is univerisally known to be very kind and loving to everyone. She herself saddly is not liked by everyone, but, she has not let that make her bitter or angry. Lady Gaga has help so many people who have felt lost, hated, hurt, or judged to learn to be themselves and love themselves. This fact alone has made her a saint. Through her music I know I have learned so much. She is also endlessly caring towards everyone, and has made several items to sell for money for different causes. She created a T-shirt for Haiti, a special Born this Way remix for a cause against bullying, she created and promotes a M.A.C. lipstick for HIV/AIDS prevention and cure, and most recently has designed a braclet to raise money for Japan. 100% of ALL the proceeds from these products have gone directly to the seperate causes. The bracelet for Japan raised about 6 million dollars in about three days. Gaga is also a very dedicated LGBT rights activist. She has made very heart felt speeches at both PRIDE and a DADT repeal rally. Between the gathering of her fans to write, call, email, or other wise contact their state senators, and her booming Prime Rib of America speech, the journey to Repealing DADT was pushed more and more and is finally gone. :)

On a more personal note, Lady Gaga has helped me carry on. Through the past few years I have had some issues that have made me feel more than hopeless. Mix that with my long list of insecturities and you have a very depressed girl. I have many intensions of ending it all in the past and there was very little that could even truely make me happy. The one person who could was Lady Gaga. I have told people this many times and they don't ever seem to understand how a "pop" singer could actually change someone mind from wanting to die to wanting to do more than even just live. But I tell them, or try (depending on how stubborn they are), that Gaga is so much more than just a pop singer. She has changed how people see music, she has changed how people see themselves. I suppose not everyone can fully understand that. But I understand, I know from personal experience that her words can lift you up for days, months, and for some people in the world, the rest of their lives. I can honestly say that if I had never turned on MTV music video station in 2009 and never stopped what I was doing to listen to the one they call Lady Gaga 'Just Dance' then, well, I do not believe I would be alive to write this blog.

How could I describe Lady Gaga? That's more than easy....
Lady Gaga is an Artist, a visionary, a dedicated leader, a dancer, a singer, a classically and jazz trained pianist, a lover, a saver, a changer, a futuristic pop icon, a fashion icon, a LGBT advocate, a Monster, a spiritual bond between Icon and Fan, a rockstar, an angel, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a granddaughter, a girlfriend, a revolution for the soul, a caring heart, a fearless woman, a free bitch, a writer, The person who is brave enough to make a true change is this God Damn world, and Our Hope.....

Lady Gaga where ever you may be, whatever you are doing I want you to know I am glad you were Born this Day. I want to thank you, we all want to thank you, for everything you have done for us. I love you, we love you, and we will forever be thankful for you.

Mr. and Mrs.Germanotta, where ever you may also be, you deserve a huge thank you too, because you two are the reason so many people are happy. So, Thank you, because I don't think people thank you enough for bringing your Litlle girl Stefani Joanne Angelina Geranotta into this world and helping her become the woman she is now.

Lady Gaga if you dont already know how much your words move us, though I am sure you might have a clue, you should always know that even years later, your last words in the 'Manefesto of Little Monsters" still can bring us all to tears and at the same time bring us all up to how much you care:

"When you're lonely, I'll be lonely too..."

Happy Birthday Lady Gaga! :)

~Honor Anastasia Zadravec
 Mistress A, future member of Haus, independent Monster, and forever your loyal fan :)

Why is a Raven like a writting desk?

Why is a raven like a writting desk?
It's a question of all kind.
It brings about all muchness true,
And can always make a fool of you!
Frivalous and fravalous,
The question people do spend
Hours by hours to comprhend.
By example one may hear,
Is all confussion of a chicken and it's little eggling dear!
Why would one spend the time on all the rest,
When one could answer one
About a raven and a writng desk?
It cannot be classified nor nomified,
For this question is of some fools design.
It's not about religion
Nor some philosophical division.
It's not about humanity,
But maybe ones own insanity.
For the next time ones therapist, sitting
Behind his desk, askes you something quizical
Bring up the raven's writting desk.
So if one ever comes across,
A person of broad chestedness,
That resembles an albotross,
who acusses you to be a sceemer;
And notes you down at your deminer,
Simply gather muchness,
At its best, and ask:
Why is a raven like a writting desk?

To love Oneself is to piss everyone else off

What is Narcissism?
A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

Narcissism is a mental disorder. The word Narcissist is often used lightly in discribing someone who has obessively self-loving behaviours. Though obsessively loving yourself is a charater trait of Narcissism, one should not label another being with this disorder without much research and possibly a mental health consult. For the purpose of this blog, and the Anthropological rule I like to write by, I will not name the names any real humans around me. I am simply exporing on paper the characteristic of the disorder and expanding on a popualr fictional character who is indeed, Narcissistic.

Most narcissists (75%) are men.
The above fact is suprising to me. One would think that woman would be more likely to suffer from said disoreder due to the conditions we live in. To explain, woman are in this day age, exposed to many things in life that men are not. Saddly, for a woman to make it to the top she must become, well, a bitch. Confident, cocky, strong, and completely sure that weather it be looks or brains, that she will make it to her over all goal in life. The fashion trends of today, with the size 0 or smaller requirements, the hair, the make up, the skin, the shoes, the clothes, all of it is enough to make one very obsessed with themselves. But contrary to the asumption that Narcissism is purely self inflicted, this next fact proves that mostly wrong.

The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
The begining of Narcissism in childhood eliminates the thought of Woman stress causing someone to act this way, but the aspect of chilhood abuse can still relate to thought above. Abuse, though can be physical, can also be verbal and psychological. These physical requirements and stress about apperance affects children as well.

A fictional character whom suffers from a text book case of Narcissism is Tony Stark (Iron Man):
obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

The first time I watch the movie "Iron Man" I was appuald. I was enraged and wondered what mind would create such a self-obsessed, cocky, rude, almost irrational man such a the character of Tony Stark. The difinition above is from a Mental Health Dictionary of the is disorder and it is an exact explination of Tony's personality. Now, I am now in love with the "Iron Man" movies and this is mainly because I love Robert Downey Jr.. But, I am now very interested in the psychology of the character of Tony Stark.

Being a fictional charater, Tony has no real past, childhood, or to be honest, brain to examine. But from what we are given in the movie, I have examined and come up with a good reason for his behaviour. Tony is a strong business man, who has worked his whole life to get were he is. I believe his accomplishments have made his condition worse. When we suceed at things, we are praised. For a person who has spend most of their lives trying to get good attention, this praise becomes like a drug. They search for it and will do anything to get it. In "Iron Man 2" we see how Tony felt unloved by his father and thus spent all his time trying to live up to his fathers expectations. This in my opinion is a main issue in his life.

With Tony and his high profile family, when he did get praise, he would also get attention. Lots of it. Tony truely has an amazing mind for technology and thus when he suceeded, it was for something amazing, which would highten. All this leaving Tony a very cocky character from the start. I believe that all of Tony's Narcissitic thoughts about himself stemed solely from his fame. Had he not been born into a famous family, his condition would not have been as bad or not exsistant in the first place.

In my life I have come across people like this with the charcteristics above and also characteristics of feeling supirior to others, feelings of knowing more than another peole around them, and ultimately feeling that they have a high level of evrything from education to upbringing. Though Narcissism is a sad disorder and should be treated with therapy and other things, I cannot lie that when in close quaters with the disorder it is simply annoying and at times inraging.

****All things that are bold have come from HealthyPlace.com, I own none of that information and credit their wording completely****

Edward as a Child, painted by Hans Holbein c.1538 reviewed by Honor Z.

This image is from the online lesson. It is titled "Edward VI as a child" painted by Hans Holbein, c. 1538. It is oil on a wood panel. This painting beautifully displays the young prince in vibrant red and gold clothes. Such colorful detail is an aspect of Northern renaissance painting. Another popular aspect is the attention to detail. Upon looking at the delicate features, you will notice the flatness about them. This is typical of both Holbein and Northern Renaissance portraiture. I find there to be a scary quality to how realistic Holbein painted Edward. How is small child hands look soft ad fleshy, as if one could simply shake hands with the boy. Another aspect I appreciate is the likeness displayed between Edward and his Father, Henry Tudor VIII. If you compared the two portraits you would find the shape of the their head to be almost identical, also the chubbiness of there cheecks and the smoothness of their noble faces. The last quality that fascinates me is the painted fabric. A quality I believe to have been lost over the years, the realistic fabric, with folds and textures adds amazing real life quality to all Renaissance paintings.

Is my happiness my sin?

I am far from perfect.

My looks are those that hold me accountable

My eyes that linger,

That and insnare the heart.

Such fire burns beneath them...

When your name is mentioned.

I have been tutored in the ways of the world.

My quick wit and educated responses,

Bring passion to your words.

Our conversations only draw you near...

But all these things...

Are they my fault?

When my father asked me to hold our family up,

To raise us to his eyes,

the whole family and I failed...

Is that truely my sin?

When you were mine and I held you in passion

when we made together that...

that is private.

When I failed you,

Gave you no son,

Only a Great Daughter and a small fetus....

Was it me who caused those things?

As I watched my brother's head roll

for a crime that a lie,

a crime only I should have taken punishment for...

How was I to act?

Did I cry to much?

Did I weep to hard?

Did I come to believe that these lies

were true?

I am innocent to a witch.

I am inocent to a whore.

I am not inocent of trying to be happy,

for myself, for once...

With one whom I love.

I failed but I am not worthy of the lies.

Is happiness my sin?

Oh what Beautiful things....why do I wish I was...Oh but the beautiful things

 Tis the early morning


Upon a day were lover are to be kind


Were this Love creature lurks in open air


Love has no same when it comes to this day


It is better off in the shadows


For when it arrives in the air


The life of a Maiden like me is sacraficed.





I am but 16 and already my enslavement is settled


But oh what beautiful thing I have


what dresses and diamonds


and sharp object in which I might.....





I once believed in love


I once danced on sucha day as this


Silly fanatsy of Men who are kind


and a life where I am respected.


Where babies were a result of passion





But I know truth now


The dancing leads to a trap


The Men are cruel and forceful


I am made spectical as Men find Mistresses in open air


and babies are result of Breeding


Like a work dog, I am to give for litters of sons





I sit, on this and Early morning,


Looking down at the Love open


floating in air, 'round young girls heads


I notice a box, from my husband


who is spending they Day with gift Love gave him


a Mistress


I am given a box with silver and Garnet to hush my crys

For on this Valantines day, I am fading away but look at the beautiful gifts

As the veil is lifted, the world is finally colorful again...

There are these moments in movies where something good happens and the world opens up. Think to the movie "The Eye", when the doctor takes off Jessica Alba's eye bandages and for the first time in years she see the world. Or in "2012", when they open the windows of the ships to see the bright sky and the promise for the future, which they thought they would never see.

I had one of these experiences today.

For months, the promise of an amazing song that would change our world was rumored. The signs of it coming were all around but it felt like it was a bad dream. The kind of bad dream where it is only bad because you know how improbable it is. I felt like I was on one of those closed up boats in "2012". Packed in for weeks and months with strangers and little hope for anything else. As most would in situations of hopelessness, I felt lost. I felt other feelings too: sadness, angry, agitation,self loathing, and anxiety. I searched for others to guide me, help me. But none came.

As my days became harder and harder, I felt that I was drowning in my life. I felt myself disappearing into the backround, I started caring less and less about my looks or health. I didn't feel worthy to live on this planet. I felt like I needed to fit in but I couldn't. Because I don't fit in to this world. I was spiraling completely downward.

As promised this song was coming faster and faster through these days, and it was just in time. As my S.O.S. flashed brighter and brighter, my mood slipped farther and farther. I decided not to stay up for the arrival of help, and laid in bed contimplating the end of me and everything else. Soon, my mind fell into sleep.

4:05am EST: My bedroom Febuary 11, 2011
I wake suddenly as if someone has shaken me. Disoriented, I look at the clock on my radio to see the time: Five minutes past when the song was to premire. I rush for my headphones and turn on iHeart Radio to the station, praying I had not missed it. I heard a heart beating and the faint sound of the songs past...my heart began to beat insync with that of the radio. There I sat for about five more minutes, clips of every song and this heart, clutching my pillow as if the song would come as a blow to the face. Then a whisper:

"Little Monsters...Are you still listening?" A strange man asked through my headphones.

I said yes through my teeth so not wake my mother downstairs. It began, I knew not at the time that what had started was my life...

"I'm beautiful in my own way, Because God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track, Because baby I was Born this Way."

The song played through twice and the whole time I cried. I cried for this was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I did not sleep after that, I sang to myself and waited for it to play again. Bathing in the raising sun and my new feeling of happiness. From here I feel like I shall conquer mountains. I feel the confidence flow through my viels faster than my own blood. I want to be happy. Lady Gaga, the prophet, woke me this morning and took me to church....Amen Hooker.

"Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were Born This Way"

She who is, is now Who was...

She is...

She is the darkness of the day,

She is the light of the night,

She is the one,

The one who creeps in the corners,

The one who whispers in the dead of Night.

Her body is the hour glass

That slowly drains her life away.

Her heart is as empty,

Like her tenth Goblet of wine.

She has not eyes,

But Diamonds blacker than coal.

Her lips stained,

Almost with blood.

The way crimson rides Her cupid's bow,

The way her skin,

Almost matching the Ivory of her pearls.

She is the social life of the city,

she has they company of many,

she has the wealth of a Queen,

Yet

She hates it all.

Beneath the layers of silk and satin,

Lies the scars of her loathing.

She smiles large in outward light,

The apparence of a sweet fruit.

Inside, though, she is bitter,

Like a radish.

With social wealth comes parties and friends.

She sees only the noise and the drinks.

She is everything,

She has everything,

Yet she has nothing.

She...

She lays now...

Tonight, away from a usual party,

She lays in cold water,

In cold, hollow porcilen,

Bare and exposed.

For the first time...

Her wine is spilled on tile,

with sprinkles of glass,

making the scene carry a beautiful side.

She does not move,

She does not try to clean her mistake.

For tonight she did clean her life of her mistakes...

With one final mistake,

She is now at peace.

No worry of who will morn,

No worry of what she will miss.

Tonight was her night.

Tonight she attends the party of something more...

Facebook list sharing

So Facebook did this thing where you wrote 30 things people didn't know about you and post it and I figure I could share it here:

1. I love World History more than words could discribe
2.I love Jerseylicious, and I don't care what you think :)
3. I wish I was British
4. I am dead set on living New York City, no matter what it takes.
5.I love House md
6.I was born premature size even though I was on time
7.I LOVE THE TUDORS both show and history
8.I want to be a professional make up artist
9.I love Lady Gaga, and want her Bad romance
10.My black Tripp heels are like my sneakers
11.I like men not boys
12.I like girls who like things that I like.
13.I suport LGBT rights...and look down
14.I love God
15.I want to be an actress
16.I love to Role Play
17.I am a Ballet Dancer
18.I am a size 17/18 and thats okay
19.I write a blog that I wish more people would read :(
20.I love a man who will never love me back
21.I have Bipolar
22.I have been to a Mental Hospital for Depression and such
23.I want to start a school in India
24.I want to finish my scrip for Skins Uk
25.I want to be Lady Gaga's bestie
26.I really want to chill every night at St.Jeromes, world famous rock n roll bar lol
27. I want to do make up for Drag Queens
28.I want to win an Oscar before I die
29.I never want to get a divorce EVER
30.I want to be in a reality show of mine own with someone who is awesome but I cant tell you ;)

Love Mistress A

AnythingForMyBaby....But that doesn't include me....

Today the world of lyrics exploaded and the little birds tweeted the song. While the birds of song twitter like crazy, an Eagle emerged with few short cherps to say. These cherps started frenzy and the World of Lyrics went up in flames.

This Eagle is known amongst the land, for he is the closes to the Lady of the song birds. Many know the Eagle only as that, but I know more. I am only a meak little finch, who tweets arond in hopes of a Larger bird to fly her away. She is but a speck on the ground to the high flying eagle.

As I have looked up at the sky,as the Eagle makes his daily round, leaving words behind, I have admired him much. The strong character the Eagle is, has caused a love to grow within me. He sings a darker tune, than the Lady song bird, and sings a tune for which I could only hope to sing, but both of us have desired him.

There are many differences between me and the Lady song bird, but the one thing I envy of her, is this Eagle.

From a far, a bird can always imagine that perhaps the other song bird is no longer there, but when both birds are so popular, it is hard to hide the truth. The birds around me twitter about the love birds, the birds that I have mentioned, and I always cover my ears with my wings of imagination.

But today, today I could not hide. So publicly the Eagle did sing of his servitude to his baby, his baby the Lady song bird.

My heart, as a bird is small, but the break in it was so large that even the Eagle would appear small and withered. I knew that I, only a finch in a cage, could not compete with free finch, song bird, the Lady of his heart. But I supose I had wished, the dreams from my imagination wings, would carry me far and into his wings. But small birds fall hard when they fly too high....

Since when does Defending someones Honor, constitue as starting Shit???

Yesterday, whilst on facebook, I saw a status commenting on a Role Model of mine and that is where this topic began. I comment that I like this person and for the next 30 minutes, I experienced a large about of bashing for liking this person. I tried to tell them that this person was not a slob who did nothing and mooch of his girlfriend. I told them about the things he did and does. He is an Auther, a Bar Manager, he has a well known Blog, he runs marathons, and he has many other things he does so to say that he does nothing is frankly insulting.

They continued to talk shit, so, they beging huge fans of His girlfriend, I informed them that she would not be happy about how they were talking. That even though they don't know why they are together, and they don't "approve", it isn't up to them. If they were real devoted fans of his girlfriend they would be happy that she is happy. Then, I assume they got pissed that I told them the fucking truth about the situation, responded like this:
 
           "I don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what you are talking about, and I don't why you are angry you're the one starting shit..."

Really? Really, I started shit. You talk crap about someone, I defend them but I am the problem. I am the problem because I told them the fucking truth and they didn't like it. But still, this was all to much for me.

Are we so conceeded in our thoughts that we can't except another persons opinion? This person also said I wasn't excepting her opinion. Also shit. I didn't say she could have her opinion, I was stating facts. Facts! I just don't know anymore...

I can't decide wheather I am angry at the comment made or if I am angry that the situations was handled in such a manner. All I know is that I no longer want to be group with people like this. The name for the fans, is no longer my name. I still love this girl with all my heart, but I know what she wants to accomplish with us, and her fans becoming Drones is not at all what she wants. So I am independant now and forever.

Of course I am still a huge fan of the dude as well. I think I will go read his blog now ;)

Now and forever a LÜCist and an monstre indépendants,
                        ~MistressA
                          

I can't pay my rent but I'm FUCKING GORGEOUS.......~.O

It is 2:43am EST, and I am laying on my matress, is boxers with black eyeliner smeared down my face. My room is a mess and I have finished of 3liters of soda in one day. I, to be honest, I just don't give a fuck. I have spent my life making plans: Harvard, Parsons, NYU, etc.... School and then work and then no life. I don't want that right now, I don't want to plan I want to party....

All my blog so far have been planned, made in my head before I write. I try to be grammaticaly correct and make full paragraphs and Blah Blah Blah. Fuck it for now. I want freedom. I want Skins. Skins UK!!!! Not the MTV bullshit.

The way I dress you would think I partied today. No, I had therapy at starbucks and the mall, and then rocked my ass off in my room to Semi Precious Weapons. Keep up like this and I won't get a job and I will end up a HOBO on the NYC street. But even though I can't pay my rent, but I'm fucking gorgeous ^_^

Haus of Chat£ how me and Gaga interact

Haus of Chat£
FreeBit_Nturs and MistressFame has entered the room.
FreeBit-hey little monster *growls*
Mistress-hey sexy bitch Whats up??
FreeBit-siting on a tour bus...drenched in stage blood and glitter:))
Mistress-Sexy...WAIT DID U SAY....glitter???
FreeBit-um yea....
Mistress-NO! Glitter is the herpes of ALL craft supplies!!!
FreeBit-oh fuck I thought I used a condom
Mistress-no means of latex can protect you from the shiny gift that keeps on giving*horror movie scream*
FreeBit-rofl what the fuck honor???
Mistress-just wanted to worn you...so was there any disco stick riding tonight?
FreeBit-sadly no.... But I do think one of my dancers licked crotch at one point*.*
Mistress-lolololololol that is fucking hilarious!!!!!!
FreeBit- I think he got carried way during Alejandro LOL
Mistress-hey I would do I
FreeBit-yea we all know you would
Mistress-WE??? Who are you working for??? AH paranoia!!!!!
FreeBit-honor why are you so intressting??
Mistress-I was dropped down a rabbit hole when I was a baby, then force by a bunch of talking rodents to kill a dragon and well I've never been the same
FreeBit-great answer
Mistress-why are you so gagatastic???
FreeBit-a monster ate my heart and then a ate my brain
Mistress-that boy was a monster...did you see how big?? Jk
FreeBit-you are to young to be talking about dicks...*Italian motherly stare*
Mistress-oh don't get ur nickers in a knot^^
FreeBit-well I happen not to be wearing any nickers so there
Mistress-well aren't you a dirty little catholic school girl *looks for ruler*
Mistress as logged out.
FreeBit-alejandro? Alejandro?
Mistress-don't call my name!
FreeBit-I don't love you
Mistress-Bull.  Shit.
FreeBit-rolf how you going kid??
Mistress-shitty but idw talk bout it. I watched u on tv last night
FreeBit-oh yea with the bickering idiots
Mistress- whoa shit ur on the radio!
FreeBit-Omg really?????? That has nvr happened b4!!!
Mistress-i don't apreciate ur sarcasm.
FreeBit-yea you do
Mistress-brb
Mistress- back! Shit sorry didn't mean to take that long!
FreeBit-bitch.
Mistress-well!!
FreeBit-jk what were u doing?
Mistress-hydrating my sister with orange soda-health,right?
FreeBit-fuck healthy.
Mistress-now what was I saying before??
FreeBit-me on tv and the bickering idiots
Mistress-oh yea you mean the bickering unprofessional idiots*_*
FreeBit-well they weren't that bad well not initially
Mistress-Bit they were arguing infront of a client and if they weren't arguing about nonsense it was about the client and hell your not just any model either
FreeBit-yea at some points I really wanted to leave.......
Mistress-why didn't you?
FreeBit-I did want to let down Kitty. It is such an honor for them to ask me to represent her birthday at that point it was like fuck these idiots I'm here to honor Kitty
Mistress-that reminds me I liked it hello puddy purse LOL shit g2g therapy.
Mistress has entered.
Mistress-OMGAGA!!!!!
FreeBit-whoa what's going?
Mistress-I saw my exhottie
FreeBit-ooo tweat da deats
Mistress-eh not much we just chilled and rough haused and made out
FreeBit-awe you are so adorable!
Mistress-fuck you I gotta get a glue stick brb.
Mistress has entered the room.
Mistress-you here
FreeBit-yes you there.
Mistress-haha whatcha doing
FreeBit-I'm in the studio writing down a list of my old boyfriends for a song
Mistress-deep I only have one ex and I made out with him yesterday0.o
FreeBit-you free bitch! How'd you get alone with him?
Mistress-my mum let me go for a walk with him. She's trying this new trusting me thing:))
FreeBit-now see if you were Italian this wouldn't me going on...
Mistress- so you are not italian then? Cuz I no u make out with a lot of guys
FreeBit-oh no u didn't
Mistress-u bet I did brb.
Mistress-Back
FreeBit-brb
Mistress-are you back? Pls say yes
FreeBit-what's going on girl
Mistress-I'm at kazzys house and I'm so bored. And sad.
FreeBit-what's wrong?
Mistress-idk she isn't here and I'm feeling really selfconsous
FreeBit-well that's shit.
Mistress-brb k?
Mistress-I am missing you
FreeBit-awe I know
Mistress-I need hugs
FreeBit-* hugs*
Mistress-thanks I hate being so far from someone I care about and that cares about me.
FreeBit-your mom cares about you no matter how angry she can get. I hate to leave you but I need to do some late night studio work. But my phone is always on and I will be there for you.
Mistress-thank you Go be in your element. Bye bye
FreeBit-talk to you soon <3
Mistress-nevermind.
FreeBit-baby are you okay?
Mistress-no I'm so sad.
FreeBit-talk to me! When your sad I'm sad
Mistress-I'm just so sick of all this bullshit happening to me I'm barely treding water right now
FreeBit-your gonna make it honey I know what ur going through I've been there u know that
Mistress-yea I just can't find a way to you I'm lost. And tired I'm going to bed go back to work love you.
FreeBit as entered.
Mistress-omg I've missed u!!!
FreeBit-omg where have you been?!
Mistress-I forgot to charge my iPod for like a week I'm sorry!!
FreeBit-no it's completely unforgivable! No amount of beging with work on me!
Mistress-sorry....
FreeBit-Okay ur forgiven! How have u been?
Mistress-I've been alright Ive been pretty bi
FreeBit-aren't u bi all the time??
Mistress- yea but I've just been.... Fantisizing alot. OMG I got so pissed last night!
FreeBit-oh no spare me! No really what happened?
Mistress-fucking tosh.o said you were his favorite gay man.... And it just made me mad.
FreeBit-awe it's okay I've heard that before.
Mistress-sry I have to say this real quick: I'm on the bus and this baby got on and it os sooo fat.

Mistress-hey did you get my message?
Freebit-which one the store one or the one asking for an orgasm? LOL
Mistress-oh hush it was like three in the morning and I was all hyped up on caffine and no sleep...
FreeBit-and youfinally got the balls to ask for what you've always wanted:D
Mistress-shut up don't be mean
FreeBit-I am so not being mean
Mistress-ha! So did you go to the store??
FreeBit-tomorrow I am but I looked at the site and I'm so excited!!!
Mistress-I'm excited to see what the inbred republicans have to say about you and ur band of sinning monsters o.0

Mistress- heyyvheyybaybay
FreeBit-Omg where have you been?
Mistress- a mental hospital
FreeBit- y didn't you say something?
Mistress- idk whydidnt you say you had a bf???!!!!
FreeBit-youbwerenth there.....


FreeBit has entered.
Mistress- * curtsy* your majesty LOL
FreeBit- LOL why thank you. Ha I was just tweeting to.
Mistress- tweet da deets queenie
FreeBit- I shall. LOL
Mistress- how's the tour? [ want to be there]
FreeBit- it's wonderful....all it needs is a bipolar little monster like you and it would be sublime
Mistress- haha sounds fun. Brb
Mistress-ah I'm back!
FreeBit- good I'm bored!!!!!!!!
Mistress- your monster has come to save the day.  Wait what about that bf of yours? -.-.....
FreeBit-are you jealous? You seem jealous
Mistress- maybe......
FreeBit-awe you know I love you
Mistress- yes I know just like all your monsters. ....... So what are you doing?
FreeBit- ......... Not much twittering away and such.
Mistress- sorry for making things awkward.....
FreeBit- babe you didn't...... I get what your saying. So Kazzy tonight?
Mistress- yep and till thursday
FreeBit- we can talkh then right.
Mistress- LOL
Mistress- queenie darling?
FreeBit- yes darling.
Mistress- I love you and miss you
FreeBit- and want me......
Mistress- shut up.....
FreeBit-just say it! Let ur self breath!!!!
Mistress- .,.......fine I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU.... there I shouted it from the hills
FreeBit- thank you.
Mistress-......I want to be asleep next to you were I can finally rest... There's the truth.
FreeBit- I'm glad you told me. I want you to relax your gonna die with all that guilt.
Mistress- then come here and hold me....... Please
FreeBit- as soon as my arms can reach baby. Can you rest?
Mistress- soon I'm so tired. Due you really care?
FreeBit- yes I do and don't you forget it.
Mistress- like Hell I would (>")> hugs
FreeBit- (>"<) holds
Mistress- LOL nice. yawn
FreeBit- BED!!! NOW!!!!
mistress-maybe
Ok now I'm here.
FreeBit- pretend I'm there and sleep:)
Mistress- help
FreeBit- show! Now!
Mistress- l8r then break a leg :D
Mistress- hi
FreeBit- hello darling
Mistress- I sleepy......
FreeBit- im with you baby sleep
Mistress- I need a friend badly
FreeBit- what's wrong
Mistress- I'm so scared and lonely and I don't have anyone
FreeBit- I know shh are you crying?
Mistress- yes. No is here with me. No one here cares enough tohold me or just care!
FreeBit- I care
Mistress- this world is crazy we're all going to die. 2012 will be a relief
FreeBit- dont be scared baby. What else?
Mistress- I'm all alone here I pretend to be with somone that isn't here. I guess I just relized I was being crazy
FreeBit- ur not crazy for one. That's normal to do. Hell I did it
Mistress- this isn't mbing were talking about.  I mean I act like somone is here all the time. Crazy.
FreeBit- lol I know. You need to sleep baby. Sleep. I'm here I promise.
Mistress- I'm terrified.
FreeBit- sleep dream a better world of paper flowers and purple skies
Mistress- yay evanesense!!!
FreeBit- good night.
Mistress as entered.
Mistress- you my phone star and I'm happy when you call cuz you are my reciever oh! Hubahuba honey baby you so sexy that you should win an oscar