Why even bother

I want to experience a feeling so rare to me, it is scary. Drawing the line in the sand, stand with me or you are forever against me. This is no time to make small friends. Its do or die. How can I carrying on when I know you are waiting to watch me fall? When can I get to him? That man I love? Why can't just one male, one, love me? Have I done something wrong? No I dserve my life. I want a marriage with pride, predjuice, and may poles. I want to the honey moon where I am treated like a goddess. I want th ehouse filled with kids made with only us. that moment when you come home from a long journey and you pick me up and swing me around. I believe in love and I would always believe in you and me. Fuck this shit

Falling in reverse

So many mistakes I make in one hours time. Screaming stop inside, dies my logical mind. pour me a glass of my own insanity to fuel the buzz God gave me. Too fast, too furious are the chemicals I run on. Make Vin Dessil cough on my dust. I once was a logical thing. Respected and like, full of knowledge and rules. Where am I now? On the old skid marks of a sheen machine? Rehab Queen or fashion scene? Am in a club full of fast beats and flashing lights or is my mind on a tab dancing in the middle of a class? Blood rushes to slow, my brain has already past out in the gutter. Filthy little whore I am. Lying to my friends scream at the parents. I'm a bitch and I am falling. Falling in reverse into a pile of cocaine. I don't mind if those lines are so close I cut my self on the razor. But the sick thing is I'm not on these drugs. I bare no Lohan excuses or rehab pass. I was born on drugs and only more drugs can help. I was born this cigar skin filled veins carrying vodka to my heart made of acid and abrain that can only be describe by LSD. But I have never taken these drugs, not once in my life. Yet every month or so I make the once around me accountable for this high. I want to be so high during these times I fall in reverse of a building. Why am I a burden? Why is this part of me?

Alas my love

Alone I wait in darkness and hate.
My eyes are red with tears and my heart is pumping for all it can take.
Alone I lay here and silently I wait.
I do not know why I wait when I know there is no one to come.
Alas, my world is a lonely one.
I have no one cool my hate
Nor no one to sit by and warm me whilst I wait.
The thoughts of loneliness bid me to lose control,
And a waterfall of tears stink my face,
Hot with passion hot with hate.
Knock, knock!
Alas what strangers come to me at such hour?
Knock, knock!
Who bother me in my remorseful slumber?
Knock, knock!
What specter hath called for me so earnestly?
Raising up from my bed,
Feeling the cool spring air against the fine silk of my bed clothes,
Seeing the large moon through my open window,
Fearing what feign hath called for me tonight.
Opening the door so that not more than a church mouse might enter,
I look out upon the pale complexion of a face long lost.
With gasp of breath and swift movement
I did take up into my arms that
Which I had missed.
For it was a feign that tapped my door!
Such delicate hands made not for work
But for music did rap upon the oak of my door.
My Lady what bringest thou to me after all this time?
What darkness did you ride with?
I bid thee come, tell me, and warm thy self in my chambers.
This tall Lady’s figure moved swiftly in my arms to a chair beside my window.
Her figure, that much smaller than before,
Was hid beneath the heavy velvet of a cloak.
“I have come to you, for want of a friend.”
Her voice was that of an angel
And her word were those that,
Mine own thoughts could echo.
I have but wanted thy friendship again for some time…
I allowed my mind to think back to last word of this Lady.
With all the problems of the world,
Such fair Lady hath been victim to far too many.
When those who could help refused her
The mortality of her was questioned.
I was but too far off to help and knew not how to find her.
I fill my dreams with horrors of what might have become of this angel
And filled my mind with hate when I was but too weak to find her.
Back to the room I was sent as the Lady doth blessed me with sight of her face.
The strong features that one could never forget
Were tired and sick in this moonlight.
Her eyes but seems still hidden in shadows for lack of sleep.
Blast thee Moon for giving way to such falseness!
For neither Death’s cold touch
Nor Moon’s earthy glow
Could obscure such God given beauty.
But, alas, there be no lies here.
My Lady what horrors have you known?
Her newly small frame but was consumed
For the vastness of the chair.
“Only those of the forgotten nature.
I am but left for lunatic.
I have run away from those who would me.
For no Asylum shall ever encapture mine own thoughts
Or feelings…
Yet it does seem I am without kind word
Nor kind shoulder to save me”
She with all her strength did stand before the open air
Long locks of Auburn did blow like silk in the breeze.
Her laces where all but to tight for my eyes to bare,
Yet no bother did she feel for it was yet comfortably fitting.
“I hath heard you dwell upon this hill alone.
Why?”
I dwell amongst all this alone to hide from word
Of your downfall…
I did purchase this manor so that the owners of the lunatics would not.
Such ancient beauty shall not make home
For the misfortunes of those who cannot,
Or have been made to not,
Care for their own decisions.
I will care for the kind and the needy
Yet, as you see, I am but still alone.
I could almost feel my want to yell at her.
Not of angry but of want and longing.
I had but missed how close we were.
“Is there no need or kindness in the world?
I have but been long away and I am out of touch”
Where have you been? Why won’t you share the deepness,
And darkness that lies down for rest in your heart?
The ones that are needy are taken in by those
Who appear kind.
But it is too factories and Asylums with them all.
And those who are still kind
Are meek and mild
And will not save those who have been
Wrongly judged.
I could see the Lady bring fear to her own mind.
For I but saw the same as she.
My lady among the lunatics.
Not given but rights to her own name,
But punished for that what she hath never done.
“I must run from this place.
For there is nowhere for me to keep safety.
I do not know whether I hath the will to even try anymore…”
I ran forth to her
Grabbing her up in my arms.
My lady! My love, why do you hurt me like this?
Hath I not a heart?
Hath I not the heart to break under thy words?
Is mine heart not worth to love you as I once did?
Have I not the kindness
The want
To keep you here
With me
Alive?
I sit atop this hill for fear of news of you.
Of thou’s death!
Have I not filled my heart with hate,
Hate of mine self for not saving you?
I have spent but years wishing for you to come
Back to me…
Regaining composure
I did flee to the empty fire place.
What hath I done?
I have made myself so naked with my feelings.
I cry like I cry every night.
Except, tonight
A small hand comes around to cradle mine cheek.
Turning my so slow
And hugging me so tight.
I felt
Not alone.
“Why would though not tell me this sooner?
Have I distance myself so much I have hurt you so?
Have I made myself that what you must hide from?
If so I am sorry.
I want nothing more than to speak with you and
Wipe thy tears.”
With silent motion
A cold hand comes forth to my face and calmly wipes to wipe
The crystal tears from my cheek.
You have become like a ghost to me.
A specter that hunts my dreams and tears my heart
For I know you are not there.
Will you stay with me?
She nodded and a chain of hate broke from my heart.
Come, remind me of who you are.
Tell me of your travels.
I have saved your side of the bed.
Will you sing to me again?
With all her nods I was once again loved
And loving one.
And softly we did fall in to a million nights of slumber.
Jolted awake by a force unknown.
I find myself again in the dark.
I felt around in the moonless night
To find I was indeed alone.
Hath the thing that kept me company instead given me insanity.
With instant tears and screams.
I want no more dreams
No more breath.
I felt for my knife
To protect me
Would be what ends me.
Raise the steal and force forward—
“No will thy leave me a Juliet?!”
With sudden gasp
I felt my heart jump.
Dear god I thought it was a dream.
You were too long a specter.
Do not leave me!
“I will not, My Love.”

This is why i should make a book of my FaceBook statuses

Mr.Sherlock Holmes was an eccentric, much like myself. He had come to me one night after an eventful display of my talents with my dear crumpeted friends. Though even my sing and dancing can not be to blame for our sexual encounter. I suppose it can be all credited to my Powers of Seduction....i mean Deduction ;)

Lady Gaga was Born this Day

So, today is March 28th 2011 and it is the one and only Lady Gaga's birthday. The Queen of Pop turns 25 today. I unfortunately did not get to submit a video to the birthday project, so I have decided instead to write this blog for her. She will probably never see this blog or at least she will not see it until we met someday and thus I am going to be as open as I want because I am not afraid to express what I feel here. So lets begin.....

I am glad Lady Gaga was born because if she was not here I would be a very shattered person. Lady Gaga is someone who is univerisally known to be very kind and loving to everyone. She herself saddly is not liked by everyone, but, she has not let that make her bitter or angry. Lady Gaga has help so many people who have felt lost, hated, hurt, or judged to learn to be themselves and love themselves. This fact alone has made her a saint. Through her music I know I have learned so much. She is also endlessly caring towards everyone, and has made several items to sell for money for different causes. She created a T-shirt for Haiti, a special Born this Way remix for a cause against bullying, she created and promotes a M.A.C. lipstick for HIV/AIDS prevention and cure, and most recently has designed a braclet to raise money for Japan. 100% of ALL the proceeds from these products have gone directly to the seperate causes. The bracelet for Japan raised about 6 million dollars in about three days. Gaga is also a very dedicated LGBT rights activist. She has made very heart felt speeches at both PRIDE and a DADT repeal rally. Between the gathering of her fans to write, call, email, or other wise contact their state senators, and her booming Prime Rib of America speech, the journey to Repealing DADT was pushed more and more and is finally gone. :)

On a more personal note, Lady Gaga has helped me carry on. Through the past few years I have had some issues that have made me feel more than hopeless. Mix that with my long list of insecturities and you have a very depressed girl. I have many intensions of ending it all in the past and there was very little that could even truely make me happy. The one person who could was Lady Gaga. I have told people this many times and they don't ever seem to understand how a "pop" singer could actually change someone mind from wanting to die to wanting to do more than even just live. But I tell them, or try (depending on how stubborn they are), that Gaga is so much more than just a pop singer. She has changed how people see music, she has changed how people see themselves. I suppose not everyone can fully understand that. But I understand, I know from personal experience that her words can lift you up for days, months, and for some people in the world, the rest of their lives. I can honestly say that if I had never turned on MTV music video station in 2009 and never stopped what I was doing to listen to the one they call Lady Gaga 'Just Dance' then, well, I do not believe I would be alive to write this blog.

How could I describe Lady Gaga? That's more than easy....
Lady Gaga is an Artist, a visionary, a dedicated leader, a dancer, a singer, a classically and jazz trained pianist, a lover, a saver, a changer, a futuristic pop icon, a fashion icon, a LGBT advocate, a Monster, a spiritual bond between Icon and Fan, a rockstar, an angel, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a granddaughter, a girlfriend, a revolution for the soul, a caring heart, a fearless woman, a free bitch, a writer, The person who is brave enough to make a true change is this God Damn world, and Our Hope.....

Lady Gaga where ever you may be, whatever you are doing I want you to know I am glad you were Born this Day. I want to thank you, we all want to thank you, for everything you have done for us. I love you, we love you, and we will forever be thankful for you.

Mr. and Mrs.Germanotta, where ever you may also be, you deserve a huge thank you too, because you two are the reason so many people are happy. So, Thank you, because I don't think people thank you enough for bringing your Litlle girl Stefani Joanne Angelina Geranotta into this world and helping her become the woman she is now.

Lady Gaga if you dont already know how much your words move us, though I am sure you might have a clue, you should always know that even years later, your last words in the 'Manefesto of Little Monsters" still can bring us all to tears and at the same time bring us all up to how much you care:

"When you're lonely, I'll be lonely too..."

Happy Birthday Lady Gaga! :)

~Honor Anastasia Zadravec
 Mistress A, future member of Haus, independent Monster, and forever your loyal fan :)

Why is a Raven like a writting desk?

Why is a raven like a writting desk?
It's a question of all kind.
It brings about all muchness true,
And can always make a fool of you!
Frivalous and fravalous,
The question people do spend
Hours by hours to comprhend.
By example one may hear,
Is all confussion of a chicken and it's little eggling dear!
Why would one spend the time on all the rest,
When one could answer one
About a raven and a writng desk?
It cannot be classified nor nomified,
For this question is of some fools design.
It's not about religion
Nor some philosophical division.
It's not about humanity,
But maybe ones own insanity.
For the next time ones therapist, sitting
Behind his desk, askes you something quizical
Bring up the raven's writting desk.
So if one ever comes across,
A person of broad chestedness,
That resembles an albotross,
who acusses you to be a sceemer;
And notes you down at your deminer,
Simply gather muchness,
At its best, and ask:
Why is a raven like a writting desk?

To love Oneself is to piss everyone else off

What is Narcissism?
A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

Narcissism is a mental disorder. The word Narcissist is often used lightly in discribing someone who has obessively self-loving behaviours. Though obsessively loving yourself is a charater trait of Narcissism, one should not label another being with this disorder without much research and possibly a mental health consult. For the purpose of this blog, and the Anthropological rule I like to write by, I will not name the names any real humans around me. I am simply exporing on paper the characteristic of the disorder and expanding on a popualr fictional character who is indeed, Narcissistic.

Most narcissists (75%) are men.
The above fact is suprising to me. One would think that woman would be more likely to suffer from said disoreder due to the conditions we live in. To explain, woman are in this day age, exposed to many things in life that men are not. Saddly, for a woman to make it to the top she must become, well, a bitch. Confident, cocky, strong, and completely sure that weather it be looks or brains, that she will make it to her over all goal in life. The fashion trends of today, with the size 0 or smaller requirements, the hair, the make up, the skin, the shoes, the clothes, all of it is enough to make one very obsessed with themselves. But contrary to the asumption that Narcissism is purely self inflicted, this next fact proves that mostly wrong.

The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
The begining of Narcissism in childhood eliminates the thought of Woman stress causing someone to act this way, but the aspect of chilhood abuse can still relate to thought above. Abuse, though can be physical, can also be verbal and psychological. These physical requirements and stress about apperance affects children as well.

A fictional character whom suffers from a text book case of Narcissism is Tony Stark (Iron Man):
obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

The first time I watch the movie "Iron Man" I was appuald. I was enraged and wondered what mind would create such a self-obsessed, cocky, rude, almost irrational man such a the character of Tony Stark. The difinition above is from a Mental Health Dictionary of the is disorder and it is an exact explination of Tony's personality. Now, I am now in love with the "Iron Man" movies and this is mainly because I love Robert Downey Jr.. But, I am now very interested in the psychology of the character of Tony Stark.

Being a fictional charater, Tony has no real past, childhood, or to be honest, brain to examine. But from what we are given in the movie, I have examined and come up with a good reason for his behaviour. Tony is a strong business man, who has worked his whole life to get were he is. I believe his accomplishments have made his condition worse. When we suceed at things, we are praised. For a person who has spend most of their lives trying to get good attention, this praise becomes like a drug. They search for it and will do anything to get it. In "Iron Man 2" we see how Tony felt unloved by his father and thus spent all his time trying to live up to his fathers expectations. This in my opinion is a main issue in his life.

With Tony and his high profile family, when he did get praise, he would also get attention. Lots of it. Tony truely has an amazing mind for technology and thus when he suceeded, it was for something amazing, which would highten. All this leaving Tony a very cocky character from the start. I believe that all of Tony's Narcissitic thoughts about himself stemed solely from his fame. Had he not been born into a famous family, his condition would not have been as bad or not exsistant in the first place.

In my life I have come across people like this with the charcteristics above and also characteristics of feeling supirior to others, feelings of knowing more than another peole around them, and ultimately feeling that they have a high level of evrything from education to upbringing. Though Narcissism is a sad disorder and should be treated with therapy and other things, I cannot lie that when in close quaters with the disorder it is simply annoying and at times inraging.

****All things that are bold have come from HealthyPlace.com, I own none of that information and credit their wording completely****